who dares question the hoodie

(me)

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•by your best friend erin griffith•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Buddies, it’s all happening.

The unicorns have lingered in the magical forest for a decade. Finally, in this, the Year of the Earth Pig, they are leaving the magical forest and stampeding toward their IPOs.

Which means they won’t be unicorns anymore. What will they be? Horses? Donkeys in party hats? Earth Pigs? No, they’ll just be boring old companies (🙄🙄🙄😴😴😴), with risk factors and earnings calls and forward-looking statements and quiet periods and a lot of analysts who always say, “great quarter, guys,” regardless of where that quarter actually landed on the scale of quarterly greatness. A lot of Business Heroes™ are going to become very, very rich and a lot of VCs are taking this moment to peacock.

Here are some articles I’ve written:

🕴️🕴️🕴️ The new “mafias” are rising around Uber and Airbnb.

(P.S. There is a tech mafia in India called the Burrp! Mafia. Really! One of its members is at the center of a gigantic Pentagon contract at this moment. Here is a weird tale from my colleagues involving Business Heroes™ Jeff Bezos, President Trump, Safra Catz, an Indian-Jamaican-Mexican fusion restaurant and, of course, Burrrrrrrrrrp!)

🦄🦄🦄 The next wave of unicorns will be different than the last.

🦓🦓🦓 Startups are discovering the harsh tradeoffs of raising venture capital and they are finding alternatives. They are daring to question the hoodie! Some Business Heroes™ got really fired up about this article. One person even bought billboards in my neighborhood about it.

🖨️🖨️🖨️ Down with hustle culture. Happy 20th anniversary, Office Space. And #TGIM.

Important business matters

Startup everyone’s into: A startup that helps other startups who have raised so much money they don’t know how to manage it, manage it.

Startup everyone’s over:  Jibo, the $899 home robot who recently told his owners he would soon become a brick. Also, Bodega for cold stuff.

Reason to go on living: In legal news that is very relevant to the theme and overall vibe of this newsletter, according to a lawsuit involving the maker of Unicorn Farts candy, “Farts is a flavor, not a trademark.”

Reason to take up residence under your weighted blanket: WeWork is watching you.

Latest heartbreak: Workout makeup. As my colleague Sapna Maheshwari noted, “nowhere are we free.”

Latest crush: Victor & Rolf Spring 2019 Couture. I know it is desperately thirsty for Insta-memes and do not care one bit.

Latest thing the kids are into: Tavi watched “The Inventor.”

Latest thing the olds are into: Remembering to hustle and grind.

Latest thing the VCs are into: The gentlest of ribbings, both on their vests and of their lifestyles, with VC Starter Kits.

lol nothing matters

It is time, my fellow Business Heroes™, to consider: Once the unicorns go public, WTF are they??? Some humble suggestions:

current status, expressed by stock photography:

#TGIM MY FRIENDS!

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•the end•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

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