blorp bought plook

right after quirkle bought blokus

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•by your best friend erin griffith•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Buddies, what is the most start-uppy headline you have ever read?

Was it the time Hungerrush bought Menufy? How about when Chalk became Pump? For many, it happened the day Flink acquired Cajoo.

Real ones remember when Lithium merged with Spredfast to become Khoros, thus triggering the announcement that “We no longer sell Klout.” I’m also old enough to remember the day NamaChain had partnered with ShuftiPro, because it was right before Bubblehouse presented Quavo at Mr. Purple, and Ripple and Fluf World joined forces to create the Root Network. And of course, everyone remembers the day they learned that Built bought Roin.

But this week? This week really delivered, with the news that Geely has submitted a bid for Zeekr. I repeat, Geely! wants! Zeekr!

Anyway, just for fun, I did a little googling and learned that the following start-ups exist:

Bloop (AI coding)

Blonk (recruiting)

two Bleeps (one sleep, one music)

Poot (transportation)

Goop (duh)

Ploog (flash drives?)

Kendoo (R&D)

Candoo (healthcare)

Doodly (animation)

Voomly (video)

Poosh (kardashian)

Coosh (microtransactions)

Shoosh (point of sale)

several Plonks (parking, music, and possibly blockchain)

and at least two Plunks (one real estate, one email).

I hope if any of them are weighing acquisition offers they pick the buyer with the most vowels.

This exercise has reminded me of the most unhinged thing I have ever convinced my bosses at the Times to let me write about start-ups with fast-sounding names. In my defense it was two months into the pandemic lockdowns. Yes, there was a long debate with our very strict copy editors about whether we really needed to include “🤪🤪🤪,” which I (obviously) won.

anyway

🩸🌹 Elizabeth Holmes is advising her partner’s new biotech testing company from prison. It is named Haemanthus, for the latin word for BLOOD FLOWER. So…

📖 This New York Magazine story about college kids using A.I. is so, so grim, especially when you pair it with the preponderance of college professors who have taken to Substack to bemoan the general illiteracy and lack of attention spans of their students.

And then you have this: Business Hero™ Demis Hassabis, the CEO of Alphabet’s Google’s DeepMind, advising students to spend their time at college “learning to learn." Sir, it is too late for that.

💅 And this delicious hate read about the basic West Village Girlies had me screaming, over and over, CARRIE BRADSHAW LIVED ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE!!!!

Important Business Matters

Startup everyone’s into: Posha, the food cooking robot. It’s “like a coffee machine for food.” 😂

Startup everyone’s over: Best of luck to the Business Hero™ who takes this role as head of PR at X.

Reason to go on living: Humans can still run faster than robots. For now.

Reason to take up residence under your weighted blanket: Presidential pardons cost $1m. Cool justice system!

Latest crush: These New Yorker portraits of notable people in their living rooms are so good.

Latest heartbreak: Why are there always conspiracies that whistleblowers must be backed by some secretive funder?

Bonus heartbreak: MLMs are core to the American eperience.

Latest thing the kids are into: $70k jobs right outta high school that make them feel like NBA draft pics. (No they are not “prompt engineers” - they’re skilled trades workers.)

Latest thing the little kids are into: I mean, the story of the kid who spent $4200 buying 70,000 lollipops on his mom’s phone is cute.

Latest thing the olds are into: Some simple longevity advice.

Latest thing the US govt is into: Taking the crypto guardrails OFF. But with no regulatory enemies, who will they whine about now?

Latest trial I wish I was covering: OneTaste, the sexual wellness start-up whose founder is accused of forced labor conspiracy, is on trial.

Latest scam: “Hiring” people to fake companies to sell them insurance so bad that it would otherwise be illegal.

Latest thing the celebs are celebrating: Tom Brady, Gisele Bündchen, Kevin O’Leary, Larry David, Shohei Ohtani, Udonis Haslem, David Ortiz, Naomi Osaka, and Steph Curry are off the hook for their crypto shilling.

a dall-e summary of this newsletter:

“blork”

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•the end•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Thanks for reading, buddies!

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