*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•by your best friend erin griffith•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•
Buddies! What if “investors” — by whom I mean every single one of them, they are all the same, one unified group of money-deployers that agrees on everything — what if they suddenly changed their mind about The Unicorns?
What if, after Lyft shares dropped below their IPO price on their second day of trading and Pinterest decided to price its shares below its last private valuation, they gave up on the unicorn promise (which says, to enlighten the uninitiated future Business Heroes™ among us, that startups are allowed to defy the basic principles of business and the laws of gravity and spend an enormous amount of money for infinity amounts of time, because Amazon)?
The unicorn promise only works if everyone believes. Like Santa.
Keep the faith, Business Heroes™. I believe it was Jack Kerouac who said, “The only venture-backed tech startups for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to hire rockstar coders, mad to raise absurd amounts of money from top tier VCs, mad to crush it, desirous of everything at the same time including supervoting shares and toothless HR departments, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing like, ‘We should be valued on a multiple of EBITDA,’ but burn, burn, burn cash, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars. 💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫🕯️💫
In other important personal news, I finally got a new word into the New York Times:
Important Business Matters
Startup everyone’s into: The one founded by Parker Conrad, apparently. What consequences?!
Startup everyone’s over: Blue Apron got another new CEO. What is the term for a company that’s worth $2 billion in the private market and $200 million on the public market? A one-tenthicorn?
Reason to go on living: The on-demand economy lost ONLY around $30 billion last year. Chump change! (Literally, if you are an investor...)
Reason to take up residence under your weighted blanket: Supergentrification has Dorian Gray, the miniature poodle, taking Trazodone.
Latest heartbreak: Hoard your custom embroidered Patagonias, my Business Heroes™, ‘cause conscious capitalism is taking away your status vests.
Latest crush: The Blockbuster die-hards making pilgrimages to the last remaining video store.
Latest thing the olds are into: Japanese swaddling therapy (this is for sure a troll, do not fall for it).
Oldest thing the lates are into: In the 1950’s a man named Tommy Fitz stole a plane and landed it on the street outside a Manhattan bar on a dare, and THEN HE DID IT AGAIN two years later.
Latest thing the unicorns are into: Just sending casual, celebratory, definitely-not-poison cupcakes to their mortal enemies-slash-BFFs!
lol nothing matters
Business Heroes™, it’s time to ask ourselves, what will we wear to keep our midsections warm but our armpits dry and airy while we wait for the confused, confused interns at Patagonia to come to their senses? Some suggestions:
current status, expressed by stock photography:
“i believe in the unicorn promise”