empty bland-babble

this newsletter has set itself up to deliver long-term shareholder value

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•by your best friend erin griffith•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Buddies, Lyft went public on Friday. There was pink confetti. There were approximately eight hours of CNBC filler while we waited for a guy sitting at a computer inside Nasdaq to click some buttons. There were abundant VC victory laps on Twitter.

Amid the celebrating, a reporter asked the Business Hero™ founders of Lyft a hilarious question: Could Lyft, an 11-year-old company, turn a profit in, I dunno, say, five years? Their answer:

“We can’t talk about the future, but what we can tell you is that we have set ourselves up to deliver long-term shareholder value.”

Already so fluent in the empty bland-babble of public company executives! It’s just beautiful. (And to translate their answer: That’s a hard nope.)

Here’s some video footage of the interview:

Here are some articles I helped with:

📈📈📈Look at everyone getting really rich.

📉📉📉Who actually profits from these IPOs? Not anyone buying on IPO day.

💃💃💃And here is one ~about me~ and how I work. To summarize: Everyone buy the Trtl travel pillow, it is extremely weird and also awesome.

Important business matters

Startup everyone’s into: Microsoft, which has banned stupid April Fools Day jokes.

Startup everyone’s over: Any company planning a a stupid April Fools Day prank.

Reason to go on living: Following last week’s legal news about farts: Courts have ruled that farting at work is NOT a form of bullying so, go nuts everyone.

Reason to take up residence under your weighted blanket: Shrinking local news operations means important environmental investigations are not happening.

Latest heartbreak: The dog suicide bridge. 😢

Latest crush: The humans of the California DMV, who must decide whether to allow vanity plate applications such as “DICK OUT” (applicant’s explanation: “Celebration of my son moving out of the house'”; DMV’s interpretation: “Dick”) on the road. All of these applications, their supposed explanations and their reasons for rejection, are incredible.

Latest thing the kids are into: WeWork sex. Sober-curious.” Bird punk and fantasy birding. DENIM DIAPERS.

Latest thing the olds are into: Taking diabetes drugs for longevity?

Latest product of the plutocracy: When yr yacht is so over-the-top it needs its own support yacht.

Latest scam the scammers are scamming: A Lithuanian man sent fake invoices to Facebook and Google and they just… paid them! To the tune of $122 MILLION. Also: Anna Delvey got a celebrity stylist for her trial.

Latest thing the VCs are into: Definitely not ever ever ever ever ever promoting themselves.

lol nothing matters

It is time, my fellow Business Heroes™, to consider: Will the unicorns ever be profitable?

current status, expressed by stock photography:

excited 2 receive long term shareholder value!

*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•the end•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•