pivot from sugar
good capitalism was just a fad
Buddies, Has a giant corporation ever been more relatable than Coca-Cola trying desperately to “pivot from sugar”??
Oh, Coke. We’ve all been there.
For awhile I lived in denial about my sugar addiction.
Then one night, deep in pandemic lockdown scrolling, I got sugar-pilled. I found out you could buy 10 lbs of “loose bulk” Jelly Belly jelly beans, whatever flavor you want, straight from the factory, and they arrive just chilling in the box with zero other packaging. I needed to stick my hand into the bounty like Amelie.
The reviews were unanimous that I would not regret this purchase (just $99!).
It took two adults five months of diligent Jelly Belly consumption to get through that industrial-sized larder of buttered popcorn jelly beans. We wound up buying at several more pounds of “cutter” beans of various flavors to balance things out.
No regrets.
Anyway, the Business Heroes™ at Coke have a big exciting plan for helping America kick its sugar addiction. They’ve hired consultants. They bought a fancy new brand. They even magnanimously told Coke employees that Coca-Cola “doesn’t have to be their favorite beverage.” And their big plan is to replace sugary drinks with… milk.
Specifically, fancy protein milk that costs 3x regular milk. Ok!
I can only think of Caity Weaver’s recent delightful take on sugar: It is part of who we are! It is a source of joy and optimism!
Overpriced protein milk could never.
In other news
I didn’t publish anything this week but I highly endorse this overview of the “Soy Right” by Max Read. Just be prepared to Google a lot of brain rot internet terminology:
Important Business Matters
Startup everyone’s into: The stablecoin companies are buying sports teams now.
Startup everyone’s over: Who doesn’t love inescapable pop-up ads in their Jeep?
Reason to go on living: The Lorne Michaels book event reply all email chain fiasco is fantastic, with goofy, earnest, mildly entitled and very delightful cameos from Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, Jesse Eisenberg and more.
Reason to take up residence under your weighted blanket: AI is making us dumber.
Latest crush: The Business Heroes™ at The RealReal started a marketing newsletter from a fake influencer and I can’t tell if people know its fake or not. People seem to be loving it, but I can’t tell if that’s fake or not either! I’ve concluded that maybe it doesn’t matter anymore because that’s now the world we live in and, frankly, deserve.
Latest heartbreak: Turns out the whole “capitalism for good” movement was just a fad! Back to capitalism for bad!
Latest thing the kids are into: Anyone can push updates to the DOGE website…
Latest thing the olds are into: Real life Succession. Imagining the group chats between Sarah Snook, Kieran Culkin, Brian Cox and crew about this story…
Latest thing Business Hero Bret Taylor™ is into: Somehow the same guy who had to deal with Elon Musk’s takeover offer of Twitter is ALSO the person who has to deal with Elon Musk’s takeover offer of OpenAI.
PS: New Elon baby dropped.
a dall-e summary of this newsletter:
love 2 respect corporate IP!!
*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•the end•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•
Thanks for reading, buddies! If you enjoy EGTttHoB™ please forward it to all of your BFFs. There's also a "like" button you can hit somewhere on this email.
If you are a new reader and wondering, wtf this is, well, welcome. Here is slightly more information.